Queen of the Dorks
by raiseyourdongers
Summary: "You don't understand," Kim said, slightly annoyed. "We're like an addiction to them." "Woah," I realized. "Instead of heroin, I must be hero-Anne, am I right?" Paul slammed his head into the table and Seth had the politeness to mask his laughter behind a cough. Embry, on the other hand, did nothing to mask his disappointment. "Worst pun you have ever made." Embry/OC
1. The Queen of Everything

**To Catherine,**

**I feel like such an idiot.**

**To Ana,**

**Damn you.**

* * *

If you think about it, we're all really dorky in our own little ways. I'm practically queen of the dorks, big glasses that serve as my crown.

Well, maybe not Jacob. I mean, I've barely ever talked to the guy (he kind of just looms around the group and if he does talk, its certainly not to me). Kim mentioned to me that he was a big movie buff, but I'd never seen a movie with him other than Frozen, when we were covering a 'Babysitting Claire' shift for Quil, and I highly doubt that counted. I mean, what facts does he have stored away about Idina Menzel?

On the other side of the coin, Quil is an absolute Disney princess fiend - he can name all of the Disney princesses to date, along with their male counterparts. ("I've told you before! Merida doesn't get a boyfriend!")

Seth is the go-to source of all your J. R. R. Tolkien desires. I swear, he is more knowledgeable on Middle Earth than Gandalf is. ("Legolas is the Elf prince of Mirkwood, not Rivendell! He was only there for the Council of Elrond where they decided the fate of the One Ring!")

Paul is pretty much the all but official reincarnation of Albus Dumbledore. ("Its Wingardium LeviOsa, nor LevioSA!")

Sam, bless him, with his undying devotion towards Emily, is a devoted fan of Rachel Ray and the rest of the Food Network. ("Its called Thirty-Minute Meals and don't you dare disrespect her!")

Jared, on the other hand, is pretty much the only one you can rely on for relatable things like Supernatural and Brooklyn Nine-Nine. ("The other guys were really into Supernatural too, but then there was that episode where Sam Winchester had sex with that werewolf girl and everything went to hell from there.")

Collin and Brady are just the cutest slices of pie in the batch, I swear. As experts on everything and anything Percy Jackson and the Olympians, those two sweethearts are just so middleschool, it just breaks my heart. ("Goddammit, Brady! You know that Zoë Nightshade was Artemis' first lieutenant!" "Collin, you're wrong! Zoë was Artemis' first lieutenant in the SERIES, not in the entire existence of time! It was never stated in canon!")

And then there's my least favorite of them all ("I'm kidding, I swear."), a little son of a bitch that holds none of the previous, but instead, an extensive knowledge of all the Pokémon games. ("No, no, no! Brock was only the Rock-type gym leader in the original generation, not Pokemon Diamond!")

And this is how I met him.

* * *

**I have never read or seen Twilight before, Ana is paying me to write this, please let me die.**


	2. The Queen of Pads

**Dear Catherine,**

**Your video was really great. Those touches of Mike Wazowski? Wonderful.**

**Dear Ana,**

**Two chapters in one day? You live to kill me.**

* * *

I was standing in the feminine hygiene section of Paisley Shopping Center when I gained my first stalker.

What an achievement, a story to be preserved throughout the decades, I know.

I had been looking through rows of pads, not batting an eye at the dozens of brands, thicknesses and types - all you guys out there? Its a real process, I assure you. And when I had chosen my selected type (the extra-thin type that provided extra comfort, for the record), I turned to place it in my basket and he was there.

Built of what felt like 10 feet of solid muscle, tanned an even brown that was only obtainable through stage makeup, he was slouching behind me, as if waiting for me to be done.

I looked up - mainly to tell him to get the hell out of the way of my shopping cart, I mean, I was spewing blood out of my lower regions, dude, no time for courtesy - and his eyes locked on my own.

He seemed to stiffen significantly, his breath catching. This... this body builder or whatever, his eyes widened and he spluttered, reaching out a large hand.

I huffed - I knew I wasn't the prettiest flower in the garden, but no need to overdo it, asshole. "Can I help you?"

Though I hadn't intended it, my words had taken on a sharp tone and the man flinched back as if burned. "I-I'm sorry..." his voice was quiet, slightly nervous, almost, but when I looked back, his eyes were trained carefully on my form.

"Its alright!" I was quick to reassure him (what if he got angry and beat me up or something? I didn't want to die in the tampon and pad aisle!) "The old time o' the month, you know? All that lady I was staying with had were tampons - like ew. I mean, I just hate sticking things up my vajayjay and stuff, you know?" At his startled expression, I was quick to cover up my mistake. "Not that I don't like guys, I mean, I live for the D- no, not like that. Okay, I do not enjoy having a piece of cotton shoved so far up my vagina that I have to practically masturbate to get it out."

The man laughed and I was really, really glad that he didn't think I was a nutter, I mean, hello! Stranger talking about their sex organs and all. How highly attractive. "I think... I think I know what you mean."

"Yeah..." I trailed off, not trusting anything else that came out of my mouth. "So why are you here?"

"Couldn't I ask you the same question?" the man (lets just call him 'Rusty' for his rust-colored skin, like the romantic girl I am), Rusty, suddenly looked furious. It was a total 180, as if someone had flipped a switch inside of him. It was almost uncanny, how he had changed from calm and collected to pissed and ready to form a fist. His entire body was trembling, not from fear, but anger. "Do you know what time it is? And how dangerous it could be?! What were you even thinking?"

I took a step back, holding my hands in an 'I surrender' fashion. "I was thinking that mother nature (and my bleeding vagina, but let's not think about that) called, sweetie. I was asking what you were doing in the feminine hygiene section of the grocery store, since you are definitely not feminine and therefore do not require hygiene-ation."

He visibly calmed, looking perfectly at ease like oh yeah, I wasn't just so upset or anything, that's me, Mr. Suave. "Emily sent me to get her... her things." He shuddered. "I swear, that woman lives to strike fear into our souls."

"Well then," I laughed, tossing the pads into my shopping cart (a handy little hunk of metal, full of various types of ice cream and poptarts). "I suggest the extra-thin type, for their extra comfort. The higher leakage-expectancy percentage is higher, but that's just a sacrifice that Miss Emily is going to have to make."

He immediately grabbed the same brand I had been holding. "T-This one?"

I gave a thumbs up. "A++ achievement, son." I snorted out, wheeling my cart away. "Maybe we'll meet again some time."

As if. I was only visiting town for a week - I'd probably never see himself again in my life. Not that I'd necessarily want to, I mean, I mentioned vaginas, dicks and masturbation in the first minutes of our introduction, I wouldn't want to see myself again.

"Wait-" he called out and I stopped to look back at him. He looked sort of broken and awestruck all at the same time - that's the charm of the vaginal jokes, you know. "What's your name?"

"Irene Adler." I lied. "You?"

"Embry Call." came Rusty's automatic answer, nothing but honesty in his voice. "...what kind of name is Irene?"

"One that's not mine." I winked, running and jumping on my cart, cackling when it skated across the floor. "I ain't just gonna tell you my name. Like stranger danger, my friend! Please don't make me get a restraining order!"

* * *

**I have not read, seen or own Twilight and never intend to. All information is obtained through Ana or through the wiki. And going there makes me burn my eyes out.**


	3. The King of the Supermarket

**To Catherine,**

**Are you even reading this or what?**

**To Ana,**

**I still cannot believe that Harvey ate a jar of mayonnaise.**

* * *

Embry followed Irene or whatever her name was out of the store, paying quickly for the pads (_Damn you, Emily!) _Just as he stepped out of the store, a small car zipped by him, the dark-haired girl that had possessed his thoughts so easily driving the vehicle with such a ferocity that he almost thought it dangerous. It didn't look she was driving at all... it looked more like one of Brady and Collin's Mario Kart tournaments.

He stood there for what seemed like forever, watching the dim red taillights of her beat-up car disappear around the corner of the store. The right light flickered - he'd have to ask Jacob to look at that for him, once Irene or whatever her name was came around and accepted herself as his.

His thoughts were absolutely dazzled by her, his head absolutely spinning with thoughts of that beautiful, wonderful woman. How small she had been, not fragile, but puny in comparison to him. How her laughter hadn't been cliche (but even if it had been cliche, Embry was certain that he would have loved it), instead being that large obnoxious sound that laughter was meant to be.

Time found one of Embry's 'brothers' there, a couple of minutes later, sent by the ever-motherly Emily. "Dude, you've been gone for half an hour. Emily is worried-"

In his daze, Embry could register that Seth (or at least someone who sounded and looked very much like him) was talking to him rapidly. Embry blinked, turning to grin lopsidedly at the younger boy. "Sorry, what were you saying?"

Seth looked concerned, the usually constant grin absent from his face. "Embry, are you alright? Did... Did anything happen to you?"

Embry was silent for a minute, trying to bring back the vision of her, trying to find a way to describe her to Seth. "Oh Seth, I just... Seth, you couldn't understand unless this happened to you, really. She's a wonder, absolutely beautiful and her laugh is so great and loud-"

It had taken a minute, but Seth finally realized what was wrong (or right) with his counterpart. A smile lit up his face, Seth being truly happy for his friend. "You didn't, did you? Son of a- Dude, who is she?"

"I don't know." came the unhesitant blurb. "But I can't wait to. I'm going to find her. Right now. I'm going to ask her what her name is-"

"Do it, Embry!" Seth cheered.

"-hell, I'll ask her on a date!"

"You can do it!"

"I'll ask her to marry me!"

"Yeah-" Seth paused. "Yeah, don't do that last one."

"I don't want to scare her off, that's true..." Embry trailed off. This was escalating too quickly- he didn't even know the girl's name yet! "I'll just do the other two things."

"How are you going to find her?" Seth asked, gesturing around to the otherwise empty

Embry gave a slight grin. "I got her license plate number."

* * *

**Okay, so the chapters are going to vary incredibly in length. This one was about 500 words and I think the last one was up in the 900s.**

**Twilight is officially the weirdest thing ever and imprinting is stupid as fuck and I only chose Embry so I can make bee jokes**

**I don't own, watch or read Twilight**


	4. The Queen of Caroling

**To Catherine,**

**I have not slept in eight years**

**To Ana,**

**Burn. In. Hell.**

* * *

The radio was turned up loud. Like _really_ loud.

So loud that my car was shaken by the bass and I could barely hear myself wailing out lyrics to the Christmas carols that had started up on the radio as of November 1st.

I stopped at a red light. "_It's beginning to look a lot like CHRISTMASSSSSS_-"

A black truck pulled up in the lane on my right, to make the turn. The driver and I both had our windows rolled down and he gave a white grin. "_Everywhere you GOOOOO_~!"

I snorted and turned the music down a tad. When I did, I realized that there was a tiny little girl secured in the backseat of the truck who was laughing her ass off, her shining eyes barely peeking over the edge of the window.

"I'm not that bad of a singer," I commented to the other driver, just loud enough for him to hear me over the sound of sleigh bells.

The boy, who looked similar to Rusty from the day before with similar tanned skin, giant muscles and dark hair, just gave a laugh. "Nah, I think Claire-bear is just laughing at how silly Quilly is. Isn't that right, Claire?"

The adorable little girl gave a burst of laughter. "Again! Again!"

I obliged the girl, cranking up the radio. "_Have a holly jolly Christmas! Its the best time of the year-_"

The boy, who I assumed was 'Quilly', carried on my tune just as pathetically as I had started it. "_Well, I don't know if there'll be snow-_" Claire found this to be particularly funny, probably due to the fact that La Push was absolutely covered in the stuff. "-_but have a cup of cheer!_"

The light turned green and I waggled my fingers at Quilly and Claire-bear, who waved and giggled back respectively, before hitting the gas.

A couple of blocks later, I made it to home. Or not my home, considering how I was going to stay there for the next six days.

The La Push Hotel was less of a hotel than it proclaimed, it was more of a bed and breakfast. But as the only inn on the entire reservation, I had to make do. There were a handful of hotels in Forks and Port Angeles, but I didn't want to have to bother going back and forth everyday.

With my arrival, there were seven rooms occupied, the receptionist told me, out of fifteen rooms altogether. Most of the people staying were photographers who were just itching to get some good shots of those gigantic bears that had been running amok lately.

One of them had even mauled a woman a few years back, but when she was swarmed with reporters from the local news station, who would do anything for an interesting story from boring little La Push, her very _big_, very _overprotective_ boyfriend sent them away. Her name had been forgotten as the news had died down.

But as of last year, more and more bears have been spotted. Hikers and others had reported in sightings and Forks was constantly hounded by reporters. La Push had, for the most part, steered clear of the madness, but it looked like the issue was overflowing onto the reservation.

Great. Just what I needed. People getting in the way.

The only reason that I was even on this side of the country was simple. My mom wanted me to find her sister.

Here's how the story works out:

Joy and Hope Quehpa were two sisters who were very fond of one another. Hope was older by several years, but the age did not stop them from being friends. When the time came for Hope to go to college, she left, fell in love and returned years later, pregnant with a baby (omg its me, much cool, so wow) to share the news with Joy.

This is the part in the story where things get sad.

Angry at years of abandonment from her older sister, Joy wanted nothing to do with older Hope and her baby. Without the support of her older sister, she had given up on high school altogether and was diploma-less. Joy was also pregnant, but her husband had died in a storm, leaving the poor woman widowed. She was really living a tragedy. So Joy kicked Hope out. Hope moved to Detroit, Michigan with her husband, John Flannigan.

Skip forward sixteen years and here we are. Hope Flannigan, forty-six years old, had been diagnosed with leukemia three years ago and she was ready to die.

I wasn't upset over it - I mean, I've had three years to accept the fact that one day, my mom wouldn't be there to welcome me home, but the reality of it was hitting me in the face repeatedly. Mom was sending me to do her dying wish - find Joy and apologize for her. Meanwhile, I had been slacking off, meeting hot guys (okay, only Rusty, but he was so good-looking, he counted for like eight guys. Oh and there was Quilly too, but considering how we only shared some caroling with a toddler, I didn't think we had much magic) and caroling on public roads.

Dad chose to stay with her all throughout the week that I'd be gone. They had most likely sent me away so I wouldn't see her like she was - broken and weak - and instead, onto this wild goose chase.

My own mother didn't want me there. Like, ouch.

And better yet, my fucking period had started once I had hit the road in that useless piece of shit I call a vehicle. And then the damned receptionist didn't even have pads! Only those flimsy (hiss) tampons!

I brought the car to a stop in the parking lot, climbing out. I had spent the day asking around about Joy Quehpa, but the only Joy that anyone knew was a Joy Ateara, which was useless information to me.

I hit the lock button on the car's door, shutting it behind me, jogging inside the building (concealing my thinly-veiled dislike for that receptionist and her god forsaken tampons) and up a flight of stairs. I unlocked the door, barely remembering to bolt it behind me, throwing myself onto the couch with a sigh.

Joy Quehpa was nowhere to be seen. The only Joy for miles was Joy Ateara and that was couldn't be her. Even if Joy had married an Ateara, that wouldn't make sense for her name to be Ateara, since he had died years ago.

It suddenly hit me and I felt pretty damn stupid. Joy could have kept her husband's name and not gone back to Quehpa, even after his death.

I groaned, realizing that finding her would require for me to actually get up.

I yanked off my glasses and tossed them onto the nightstand, throwing my socks onto the floor moments after.

Joy could wait until the morning.

I closed my eyes. Seconds later, a thought occurred to me that had me out of bed again, pulling on my socks and pushing my glasses into place.

Joy could wait until the morning, but who is to say that Mom would?

I locked the room behind me, running down the stairs again, ignoring the disapproving look I got from Roberta the receptionist.

_Receptionist? More like receptio-bitch_. I mentally high-fived myself for that pun.

I made it out to the car, reaching for my keys when I realized that they weren't in my pocket. I slammed my head against the driver's window. My keys were sitting in the ignition.

* * *

**This was long**

**I will never and have never read, own or seen Twilight**


	5. The King of Depression

**To Catherine,**

**The Hobbit was the greatest movie in all of time, its official.**

**To Ana,**

**Twilight rawr**

* * *

It was no use.

It hadn't been a full twenty-four hours since he had last seen Irene, and he was already sinking deep into a pit of despair.

The moment he had phased, the other guys had picked up on his depression and about his imprinting on Irene and had congratulated him accordingly, but it changed nothing about his mood. She was probably long gone, halfway around the world by now and probably married to Bill Gates or someone better.

Irene didn't need him - it was no wonder why she had practically fled after their meeting. Why would she want a werewolf like Embry Call when she could have movie stars and princes after her? That was entirely possible in Embry's mind - Irene was absolutely attractive in every way and would have no trouble attracting prospective husbands.

He had tried to track her through her license plate, but it was obvious that her car wasn't registered in the Forks or La Push area. It wasn't even a Washington plate!

He had tried to get Chief Swan to help him, but the man had declined. License place registrations were private information, he had said.

Paul, the bastard, had jokingly suggested to report her plate for drugs and go in to see her when the cops dragged her in, but Embry had shot down that idea quickly. ...he also shot down Paul with a snap of the jaws, but that's not the point.

All he knew was that Irene was from Michigan and that she was the most beautiful girl in the world.

And the other guys were no help either.

Quil didn't even give a damn - his mind was on his family.

Yesterday, when Quil had gotten back from patrol, his mother, Joy Ateara (neé Quehpa) told him that his long-lost cousin had dropped by.

Not exactly 'long-lost' since Joy had known about her existence, but the cousin had never even been mentioned to him.

Needless to say, Quil was pretty pissed (the conversation went along the lines of: "Do you have any other relatives you're hiding up your sleeve? Let me guess, Sam and Jared are actually my siblings!" "Quil, don't you dare talk to me like that!"), but the mother-son duo had reconciled over the fact that the cousin (her name was like Jane or Janet) would be visiting again the next morning with pictures and a letter from Joy's sister.

Quil didn't even give a damn that Embry had imprinted.

But that wasn't the reason Embry was so upset with his fellow pack-brother.

When Embry had proudly shown his mental image of Irene to his friends, Quil had even recognized her.

She had driven right beside him and had even sang along to Christmas songs with him and Claire!

Embry had sulked for hours after that. Irene probably liked Quil more than himself - what had Embry done in the five minutes that he had known her? Oh right, splutter and make a fool of himself.

Quil, on the other hand, had clicked almost immediately with Irene, even going out on a limb to sing with her. Quil had liked Irene so much that he had even let Claire speak to her, a stranger.

Embry was a hurricane of anger - he had phased three times since Irene, once in front of Kim. Jared had slammed him back so quickly that it gave him whiplash. He had apologized to Kim right afterwards and she had accepted his apology, but the cautious look in her eyes was a constant reminder.

Quil's good mood about his newly-discovered female cousin was infectious to the rest of the group, his thoughts just constantly on the topic of _all the fun they were going to have with Claire-bear and oh! he would have to go and get some dresses for his cousin for when they played dress up. His dresses wouldn't fit her..._

Well, Quil's good mood was infectious to everyone except Embry, who was anything but happy with the way things were going.

Embry sighed. If he didn't find Irene and fast, he'd probably snap.

* * *

**i dont own, have never seen or read Twilight**

**Sucks to suck**


	6. The Queen of Conversations

**To Catherine, **

**Quil is gonna be such a sarcastic jackass in a really nice way cuz of Claire I can't wait**

**To Ana,**

**Quil is going to be king of the Disney princesses**

* * *

Joy Ateara was everything I had expected her to be.

...okay, that was a lie.

I had been expecting this big, angry woman, the type of woman who would send away her pregnant sister out of a bitter grudge.

Bracing myself when the door was pulled open, I was actually surprised.

In the place of the crazy Neanderthal I had dreamt up, a petite woman with dark features smiled back pleasantly. "How can I help you?"

I was shocked. She looked almost exactly like Mom had, four years ago. The same mass of curly hair, the same dark eyes and the same 'Rusty'-like skin that everyone in this town seemed to share. She was much shorter than Mom though and I had a good five inches on her.

I quickly hid my shock, smiling back at the woman. "Hi, Miss Joy. You have no idea how much of a pain in the ass it was to find you."

Mrs. Ateara suddenly looked very nervous, her eyebrows lacing themselves together on her forehead. "What do you mean by 'find me?'"

"I'm just going to come out and be blunt about it - I'm Hope's daughter." I cringed backwards in expectation - maybe she'd throw me out and make a family tradition out of it - but the anger I had expected never came.

Instead, she was staring at me, dark eyes wide, jaw slightly slack. "...Hope?"

"She's my mom," I nodded, "she sent me to reconcile with you for her."

Joy's eyes narrowed slightly and I could just barely see the hint of the woman that had thrown my mother out of the family home. "Why couldn't Hope just come herself?"

One of the rules my mom had told me before sending me away had been not to tell Joy what was happening with her.

_"I wish you didn't even know about what was going on, sweetie. Poor Joy doesn't need more reasons to hate me."_

I had been annoyed with her on that point - I mean, I was just going to make friends with Joy for her, go back to Michigan and invite the woman to her sister's funeral in a couple of weeks. Joy should be allowed to know.

But Mom had been adamant on that point.

"She recently broke her leg on a skiing trip," I lied through my teeth. Bullshitting was like my one true ability, other than a diverse knowledge of how Tumblr worked (spoiler alert: it doesn't. I mean, have you _seen _the video player?)

Joy didn't look convinced, but nonetheless invited me into her house. "Would you like some tea?"

I declined and introduced myself - Anne Flannigan, sixteen years old, daughter of Hope and James, Pokémon master-in-the-making.

"You'd get along wonderfully with my son, Quil." Joy laughed, a sound that had me mentally wincing at how eerily similar it sounded to Mom on her better days. Quil... I wondered briefly if Quil would be the 'Quilly' I had seem earlier. Probably not, I mean, Quilly looked like he was twenty-three and Quil was only supposed to be sixteen. "He'll be around tomorrow with his imp- his little friend, Claire. You should drop by and meet him, he's a real sweetheart."

With the name 'Claire' tied to Quil's name, I was almost 100% certain that these were the same people that I had been singing (read as _wailing_) with a few hours ago, but I said nothing.

I eventually excused myself, promising to return the next day with pictures of my family and a letter that I had accidentally left in my luggage, from Hope to Joy.

I looked forward to the next day. Quil and Claire promised to be interesting.

* * *

**Finally, we learn Anne's name! Anne Fl-Anne-igan, omfg, that killed me**

**Quil is definitely gonna recognize the Holly Jolly Singer (more like shrieked, am I right) and things will get interesting**

**How 'bout y'all drop me a review too thanks**


	7. The Queen of Coincidence

The next morning, I showed up at the Alteara residence with a large bag slung over my shoulder, stuffed with photo albums, a camera (if it was the same Claire I thought it would be, I'd want tons of pictures with that cutie pie) and the letter from Mom to Joy tucked neatly inside of an album.

Quil answered the door - and my prediction had been right, it was Quil as in 'Quilly' Quil - with a small little girl peeking out from behind his legs. "You must be Anne-" he cut himself off, brow wrinkling. "Wait... you couldn't be..."

"Couldn't be what?" I asked dumbly.

"Have I seen you before?" Quil wondered, scratching the back of his head.

"Do I need to sing to you, _Quilly_?" I emphasized for him. I knelt down, giving a bright smile to the tiny girl. "Hello there, Claire-bear? Remember me?"

She wrinkled her nose up in the most adorable way (Quil and I chorused an "Aww!"), thinking deeply. She suddenly figured it out, pointing at me. "You're the bad singing lady!"

"Ouch, I'm hurt." I mimed death, falling dramatically onto the floor in front of Claire. "My lady has... damaged my very _soul!_'"

Claire giggled, kissing her finger and pressing it against my forehead. "All better now!"

Quil watched us carefully, lips pursed. "Are you sure that's where we met? I feel like I've seen you somewhere else... but not just when you were belting out sharp notes to _Holly Jolly Christmas_."

"I haven't talked to many people since I arrived." I assured him, sweeping Claire into my arms. "Now, may I come in?"

Quil nodded once, but before I could step in the house, he snatched Claire from my arms. There was no negative intention in it - I mean, I hadn't done anything to make him hate me... or at least, I didn't _think _ I had done anything to make him upset.

Wait, what if he didn't want a cousin? What if he thought that I was trying to intrude on his family?

I hesitated at the doorstep and Quil, who had, with one step, crossed half of the hallway, glanced back. "You comin', Anne?"

I blinked, hefting my bag over my shoulder and shutting the door behind me. "Yeah."

Joy wasn't home - she had made a quick run to the supermarket to get a couple boxes of macaroni since Quil, Claire and I were supposedly having a 'bonding day'.

I thought one box would have been enough and I mentioned this to Quil, who gave me a weird look.

"That's barely even a midnight snack." he snorted in response.

"Did she go to the Paisley Shopping Center?" I asked, trying to make conversation. Quil seemed mostly interested in Claire, which was perfectly alright, but I felt like I was intruding a bit.

"That's the only one in town." he paused. "You been there?"

"Yeah, my uterus was dripping blood when I came into town and I needed to take care of it." I shrugged.

Quil laughed. "That's exactly how Em - one of my friends - found the love of his life. He said that she was standing right in front of the pads and suddenly he had seen the light."

"How romantic." I drawled, picking pieces of lint off of my jeans. "Love at first blood."

"I know, right?" Quil snickered at the very thought of it. "Better yet, he never even learned her name. He's been trying to find her for days - he literally cannot stop thinking about her." Quil grinned at some inside joke.

"I met someone while I was in the feminine hygiene section too." I tugged a penny out of Claire's hand. "Please don't eat these, honey- and he was shopping for his girlfriend or something. Their names were really similar. His name was like Em-bee Call and her name was Emily. Em-bee was huge! Speaking of which, you're huge too... is there something in the water in this town that makes you that big? 'Cuz like, I could use that, for my chest area if ya know what I mean."

Quil froze. "...Anne, if you will excuse me, I must make a call."

"You're uhh, excused?"

He promptly scrambled down the hall, disappearing up the stairs. As he raced up the stairs, he tore the banister out of its place and left it swinging on the pedestals.

I turned to Claire. "Well, that was weird."

* * *

**Quil Ateara the Fifth, everyone's favorite dumbass!**


	8. The King of Phone Calls

**Embry is officially a tool.**

**To Catherine,**

**Davin is my favorite son. Sorry, Kian.**

**To Ana,**

**Dammit.**

* * *

Embry had, predictably, spent the entire day running through the forests of La Push looking for Irene.

He had considered going over the line - the leeches wouldn't notice if he skipped over just for a minute, for a quick sniff around, would they? - but Sam, who had been across the forest on patrol, shut him down immediately. "_Under no circumstances are you to go over that line. Do you understand?"_

Being put under orders by the Alpha is hard. The only reasonable way that Embry could even think to explain it would behow demons weaken when an exorcist would say something like _'The power of Christ compels you!'_ but instead of the power of Christ, it was the power of Sam.

(Embry was careful to make sure that neither Brady, Collin nor Quil heard that thought, or he'd never hear the end of it.)

There wasn't anything wrong with Sam's hold on him, though. Sam was simply stronger, strong enough to think rationally and protect him. And if Embry failed, Sam would be strong enough to protect Irene.

At that thought, Embry's phone belted out a salsa mix, one of the automatic ringtones that came with your phone. Quil had programmed that to ring whenever he called and Embry didn't know enough, or care enough to change it back.

"What do you want?" Embry groaned into the phone, rolling over on the sofa. He was at Sam and Emily's place, Sam having all but dragged him back from the treaty line. "I was about to head out to find Irene-"

"That's not her name." Quil cut in, excitedly. "Far from it, actually."

Embry sat up, at attention. "Are you with her? What's her name? Where is she? Where are you? Is she okay? Why are you calling? Weren't you supposed to be meeting your cousin Janet with Claire?"

Paul and Jared came in from the kitchen, Emily's freshly-baked muffins having disappeared mysteriously. "When will the kid learn?" Paul muttered, stuffing a muffin into his mouth and swallowing it whole. "He's not just gonna find a single girl in the entire damn world just 'cuz he met her in Paisleys'."

"I'll bet you ten that he'll find her in the next week." Jared challenged.

"I bet you fifty he don't find her ever." Paul responded in kind. Embry trembled slightly at that - of course he was going to find Irene! She'd never... she couldn't just disappear, not now. Not when he needed her.

Quil was rambling on over the phone about broken handrailings and boxes of Kraft macaroni and cheese and princesses. Embry chose to wait until Quil was finished with his temporary insanity, even if the wait was killing him.

Jacob, accompanied by Seth, kicked open the door. Thankfully, it wasn't enough to break it, but enough to make the walls shake. He was muttering under his breath about leeches, which made Embry's inner-wolf eager, but also nervous. What if Irene... what if she got hurt?

Jacob and Seth, desperate for a change in topic, joined the bet, but Embry ignored it.

"Quil!" he finally snapped. "What are you trying to say?!"

Quil took a deep breath and when he spoke, his tone gave away his grin. "Congratulations, Em, we're going to be cousin-in-laws."

Embry froze and dropped the phone. Seth, always calm and collected, picked it up and put it on speaker. "What were you saying, Quil? You kind of put Em in a catatonic state."

"Embry's Irene Adler is my long-lost cousin." Quil said, giddy, and the second time around had worked wonders for Embry.

"What's her name?" Embry questioned, leaping up as if the life had been pushed back into him. "Where are you guys? Can I come and meet her again? What's her favorite type of flower? What's her ring size? What's her favorite kind of jewel? When would she liked to be proposed to-?"

"You can have the answer to those questions if you name your kids after me." Quil decided, the grin in his voice painfully obvious.

"Quil." Embry growled, but was pacified by the hand that had gently been set on his shoulder. Jacob, who was a few levels up in the pack hierarchy, had mastered the art of pacification to a standstill. Jacob could calm even a raging Paul down with a simple look, more power than even Sam. Sam was, of course, still the Alpha and probably always would be, but Jacob had progressively gotten stronger. "Sorry, Jacob."

Jacob took the phone from Seth, changing it off of speaker once more. He spoke quickly into the phone and Embry's busy mind couldn't keep up.

Jacob finally bid Quil farewell, ending the call with a click. "Her name is Anne Flannigan and her mother is Joy Ateara's sister." Jacob began to say to the information-thirsting Embry. "She lives in Michigan and is only staying for a week."

A week? Embry's heart hit the brakes. He had a week to convince the love of his life, his soulmate, to stay with him.

* * *

**Poor baby. Sucks to suck am i right or what**


End file.
